Thank You, John Beck

I am not going to lie: this felt really good.

Expert Medical Witnesses & Sausages

I was in court yesterday.

I spent the afternoon as an expert medical witness testifying for the defense in the case of J. Fulbright v A. Parker. You see, some of the details were a little fuzzy, so my brother-in-law, Stuart, called me in to express my opinion, as an expert, as to whether John "Jackie" Fulbright's epilepsy was directly related a motorcycle accident he sustained on July 20th, and whether or not Mr. Parker can be held accountable for jeopardizing Jackie's chances of making it to the NFL. The defense's position (that Mr. Parker was not responsible) hinged on my expert opinion.

All that sounds super impressive until I tell you that Stuart is a law student at McGeorge in Sacramento and this trial was a final exam for one of his classes. He needed to round up people to play the roles of all his witnesses and he figured I would be ideally suited to play the role of Dr. D.V. Rosenberg, expert Neurologist. I have to admit, it was a lot of fun. I got to pretend that I really knew what I was talking about and I got to pretend that I was making $2000 for testifying in court that day ($600 consultation fee and $400/hr for a minimum of 4 hours). I'm telling you, being an expert medical witness is where the real money is.

After I finished my Endocrinology final Monday morning, I quickly hit the books and tried to memorize the information I needed to know for my testimony. Sean and Fernie were both very interested in the idea of me playing an "expert medical witness" so they decided to come along for the trial (Sean's dad is a judge and I think he had a better time than did Fernie, who was a little under the weather). This was ideal, because I needed someone to take a picture for me while I was on the stand. However, when we got into the "courtroom" I realized that our camera makes a funny noise everytime you take a picture. So, I excused myself to the bathroom where I played around with the camera for a few minutes, snapping several pictures until I figured out how to turn off the sound. As I was snapping the last picture I heard a toilet flush. I quickly ran out of the bathroom before the dude on the loo saw my face and could testify to the court that I was the perv taking pictures in the men's bathroom.

I rejoined the trial in progress in the courtroom and watched as Stuart and his partner Hubert presented their case to the jury (a bunch of pre-law students at Sac State). After two calling two witnesses to the stand, they were running out of time so they needed to call me to testify earlier than they had expected. I was sworn in and and unleashed the fury of my medical expertise on the courtroom.

The big advantage I had over the prosecution was that I was able to actually understand what things on the ER discharge report meant and use that info to punch holes in the prosecution's case. I also was able to quote the WHO's ICD-9 reports to show that the prosecution's definition of "brief unconsiousness" was completely false. The look on the prosecutor's face when I dropped that little bomb on him was priceless... or at least worth the $2000 I was pretending to get.

One of the things I was most concerned about was the cross examination. Stuart had prepped me for some of the topics that they might bring up, but I was nervous that I might fall prey to the cunning words of a forked-tounged lawyer. Fortuntately, the old adage "the best defense is a good offense" proved to be true, as the prosecution was so afraid to ask me any questions for fear that I would further damage their case.

After I finished up, both sides gave their closing statements and the jury left to deliberate. They had the deliberation room miked and had cameras in there so we got to see and hear everything they said. I think everyone was a little disappointed to hear how non-chalantly the jury went about reaching a verdict. Later Stuart informed me that a jury verdict is a lot like sausage: you never want to see how it's made.

When all was said and done, the jury awarded the verdict to the prosecution. We may have lost the battle, but I'm pretty sure we won the war. I watched the guy evaluating Stuart's performance and he got nothing but good marks. In addition, the professor (a former NY trial attorney) and the judge (a Placer County judge) both told me I was fantastic. Who knows, if clinical medicine doesn't pan out for me maybe I have a future as an expert medical witness.

It's Been A Long Day

Wow. Today has been one of those days. Let me begin with a little background. I am in the middle of an intensive week of final exams. Since my parents came to visit on Saturday, I was a little behind on studying for my Hematology exam on Monday morning. I had to get up at 4:00 am on Monday to finish reviewing lymphomas before my exam at 9:00. As soon as the test was over, I had to start studying for my Pharmacology exam the next morning. Which meant I had little time to catch my breath after a long morning.

My intramural co-ed football team had our last game Monday night. Our team is really awesome. We've blown out pretty much everyone we played and were ranked number 7 (out of 50+ teams). Last night we played the top ranked team. Without going into any detail, they were clearly a better team than us and it was supremely frustrating. Instead of relieving the stress of the day, I went home more stressed out and had to finish studying for Pharmacology. I ended up studying until about midnight and set my alarm for 5:00 am the next morning so I could finish going over everything.

My alarm went off as expected at 5:00 am the next morning. That's when the long day began.

Unfortunately, I was exhausted and didn't want to get out of bed.

Fortunately, I exhibited the will power necessary to haul myself out of bed and begin studying. The studying went well and I was able to stay awake. I woke Cami up around 6:30 and went to go hop in the shower.

Unfortunately, as I was getting in the shower I started exhibiting classic prodromal symptoms of a migraine attack. I guess all the stress of the previous weeked took it's toll on me and my brain was rebelling against all the information that I had tried to force feed it over the past 24 hours.

Fortunately, the symptoms quickly dissipated when I took some medication and I figured I'd be okay, so Cami and I went to school.

Unfortunately, after I got to school at 8:00, the "aura" came back and I couldn't see out of my right eye. Usually, that symptom lets me know that I've got about an hour before my full migraine sets in. Lucky for me, that was perfectly timed for the start of my 9:00 exam.

Fortunately, I immediately went to the proctor of the exam and explained my situation to her. She was very sympathetic.

Unfortunately, I still had to take the test, but at least I could do it for my eyeballs felt like they were going to fall out.

Fortunately, the exam was short and pretty easy. Only 12 questions!

Unfortunately, the exam was short and pretty easy and I was way over prepared. I seriously could have studied about 5 hours less and done just as well. That's what we call a "mixed blessing." Then, I had to figure out a way to get home as Cami had the car at her office.

Fortunately, Cami's job is super easy and she was able to steal away for 20 minutes so I could get the car and drive myself home, where I promptly went to bed and slipped into unconsciousness for about 4 hours. I woke up extremely groggy and still a little hungover, but at least the worst part was over.

Unfortunately, I had to start studying for my virology exam on Thursday. I have a whole bunch of viruses and parasites and things that I need to have memorized and two days is hardly enough to commit names like Enterobius Vermicularis and Cytomegalovirus and their associated symptoms to memory.

Forunately, I was able to get a lot of stuff done between 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm when Cami, Fernando and Sean showed up. It's Sean's birthday and Cami and I invited him over for some "Cheak and Sticken" (Sean's favorite meal). We topped that off with some nummy brownies and ice cream.

Unfortunately, when discussing the exam, Sean informed me that his Pharmacology exam was, in fact, 21 questions long. Meaning that the last 2 pages of my exam were missing and that even if I got 100% of the questions I answered right, I would still only get a whopping 57% on the exam.

Fortunately, the exam administrator called me and told me it was all her fault and that I wouldn't be responsible for the questions I didn't answer.

Unfortunately, I just made that last sentence up and the administrator did NOT call me and I'll probably have to figure out something tomorrow to keep from failing pharmacology.

Fortunately, dinner was great and I was able to forget about the exam as we enjoyed dinner with friends. In fact, we had a very interesting religious conversation with our very Catholic friend Fernando.

Unfortunately, Fernie had to run so he could make it to his polling place in West Sacramento before 8:00 when the polls closed.

Fortunately, our polling place was only a block down the street. We drove anyway because we are lazy and had just eaten dinner.

Unfortunately, our polling place was absolutely ghetto. Cami literally filled out her ballot on a washing machine in the laundry room of an apartment complex. I would have snapped a picture of her in the process, but a gruff looking guy with "XIV" tatooted on his wrist wasn't about to let me near the voting booth/laundromat with a camera.

Fortunately, Cami looked 100% as good outside the laundromat as she did while she was voting and I was able to take a picture of that.

Fortunately, today is over. I get to go to bed tonight and I DO NOT have to get up at 5:00 am tomorrow. I am going to sleep good tonight.

Paging Dr. Cami

Cami was a doctor for Halloween. She borrowed my scrubs. They were a little too big for her, so we had to cinch them up in the back with safety pins and tuck them in to give her the more fitted "Grey's Anatomy" style scrub. I thought the cell phone on the holder of her pants was the perfect touch. I kept trying to feed her words like "stat" and "I concur" to make her portrayal a little more authentic. I think the only phrase she ended up using was: "Did you know that cervical cancer is caused by a virus?"

Cami says she doesn't want to be a real doctor, but she does wish she could wear scrubs all day because they're so comfy. Maybe she does have a future in health care afterall.